but i sleep like a stone.
so you got no home.
that’s sad.
what’s at home.
i had a family once.
a wife, a job, a mortgage.
i couldn’t sleep at night tied to all those things.
so one morning, i freed myself with the clothes on my back.
“good-bye.”
now i sleep like a stone, sometimes under the stars, the rain, the roof of a barn.
but i sleep like a stone.
[madmen]
I see myself in the future
未看第二季第十三集Private Practice前，剛感到前路茫茫，心情已帶點憂鬱。
有件事讓自己的Abandonment Issues發作，內心隱隱作痛，倍感孤獨; 外公病危，命不久矣，此事又讓我回想起五歲時對死亡認知的回憶，父親在笑怕甚麼，我則感到強烈的孤獨和恐懼感。
這集Private Practice的一段劇情，講述一個病人患了末期癌症，非常痛苦，希望Pete可以替他安排安樂死。Pete和Sam最初反對，但眼見病人這樣痛苦，又死意已決，最終也安排了藥物。病人睡著時他倆在閒談，Sam自覺四五十年後，會像這個病人孤獨終老。Pete則說，你最少有前妻，有兒女。而我呢? 才是孤身一人。
這時病人醒了過來。雖然病人曾為醫生，見證過無數病人離世，但在這一刻，快要孤獨離世的感覺讓他十分害怕。那是一種自己就像從來沒有存在，沒有人記得他在世上活過的感覺。Pete擁抱著他，不停說道 “You were here，you were here”，直至病人安詳離世。最後Sam對Pete說， “He was here, he was”，Pete痛哭。
這段劇情除了傷感，我的心底還產生共嗚，助燃了自己的黑暗面。我好像看到自己的未來，”it’s like I was never here”，”i am him”。
這天的心情有點像Natalie Imbruglia那首That day:
That day, that day, What a mess what a marvel, I walked into that cloud again, and I lost myself, small, alone, scared, craving purity, a fragile mind and a gentle spirit; I lay down beside myself, In this feeling of pain, sadness…
大約沒有人會聽到我的secret pain，所以只能自救。不想用自殘的方法脫離這種情緒，最終當然去了慢跑，變了信仰般的慢跑。
When I am Gone
這格漫畫讓我想起讀中六時的一個想法/計劃: 早上如常地離家，但目的地郤不是學校。帶同遇先準備好錢，機票和行李，獨自離開香港。在沒有交待，留下聯絡方法下，消失於地球上。
記憶中最接近”實行”的一次，不過是逃學到澳門，找當時很要好的澳門朋友一聚。中學後，再也沒有想起這個”計劃”。
現在看來，我不知不覺間實行了這個想法。肉身雖在，但”我”這個概念，已透過另一個形式，消失在時間的洪流下。
I want to go, go without a map
I want a girl (but she won’t talk back) and a job (that gives me slack), then go far away (without a map), from this city that’s killing me.
I want to fuck, fuck, fuck this up, coz I had enough, enough, enough’s enough.
If Tomorrow Never Comes
I feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, stuck in a moment, a pattern, a routine, an excuse, a space time continuum I can’t get out of. And worst of all, I made it happen to myself.
I am so doomed.
Love, Reign o’er Me
星期天看了一套電影。看後，迷失的情緒久久不能平復。
有些悲痛，可能不能單靠時間沖淡和向前望解決，適當時要再次面對它，讓身心一步一步消化它，讓身心取得一個平衡。只是需要多少時間，因人而異。
” I think that __________ needs to find his own way. Not on our time, but on __________’s time, and I think that will happen. He’ll find people that will fill his life again. Not today, but soon… slowly.”
